Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Elle over at Baby Bunts wrote an amazing post earlier this week that pretty much sums up everything I've been feeling about this blog's transition from infertility to pregnancy blog. I've been thinking for a while now about how this blog has changed, and how I feel about that change. I mean, obviously I'm happy about the underlying reason, but there are other emotions there too -- sorrow (for those who are still fighting), discomfort (at not knowing what heck I'm talking about), suspicion (that I'm jinxing everything by talking about it), and guilt (that it only took me 2.5 years and 1 IVF cycle to get knocked up).

It's that last emotion -- guilt -- that makes me realize just how connected I still feel to the IF community. I mean (and I'm borrowing another thought from Elle here) who else but an infertile would think that 30-ish failed cycles, endless tests, needles, thousands of dollars of drugs and monitoring, and a miscarried twin would be getting off easy?!? But I do know how lucky I am, and that in the grand scheme of things, anxiety over change is a very very small problem to have. I would take every single step all over again in a heartbeat. And I probably will!

Anyway, sorry to deviate from my regularly scheduled programming of making fun of my boobs, drooling over Adam Lambert, and relating my journey from relatively in-shape woman to small sea vessel. Change has just been on my mind.

Now, back to scrounging through my desk drawers for a cookie.

11 comments:

Melissa G said...

Don't feel guilty. Less time doesn't equate to less heartache. None of this is easy, no matter when or how your second line comes. But thank you for your honesty.

Michele said...

I know what you mean about the guilt. We tried for 10 years to conceive and couldnt... Why should I feel guilty that I've had successes with fertility treatments? But I still do... When you hear about people who have done treatments for years and for us, our first IUI was successful, and subsequently we've had successes. Part of my brain says that my IF and losses should have alleviated the guilt, but it doesnt. So I get where you are coming from. I think it is because we know how hard IF is and how hard it is to hear someone else's good news (even when we are happy for them, especially after knowing their struggles).

SS said...

When I got pregnant with #2 without ART after basically one month of trying, I felt like a fraud. It's like the 2+ years of trying for #1, culminating in 2 IVF cycles (after 5 IUIs) was no longer relevant. I understand where you're coming from. When I was first pregnant from my first IVF I thought- WOW! how easy and how lucky I am. Of course I went on to lose that pg but felt like I had a relatively smooth ride on the infertility roller coaster.

iamstacey said...

I'm fairly new to the IF journey (just 1 year) but I hope to follow right in your footsteps! I'd rather be guilty and pregnant than not pregnant! :) Keep sharing your journey, it gives me so much hope.
PS - I think Adam Lambert might be gay. TMZ said so. Just lettin' ya know, since I know you were hopin' he'd be your donor the next go round ... :)

Serendipity said...

This is something that haunts me at the moment - I know rationally that there’s no reason to feel guilty and that our struggles with IF are painful and very personal. The pain I felt on those 60-odd cycles of BFN can’t be erased but at the same time I never failed an IVF and in the end, despite the tests and diagnosis and years of trying we really did get an easy ride.

I hate that some beautiful, strong, amazing women are still struggling to have the child they so deserve, I am trying so desperately not to feel guilty that after 6 years we have our miracle and at the end of the day I agree with Stacy – I’d much rather feel guilty and pregnant than not pregnant!

K said...

Well said. All very well said. (As usual ;) )

Brooke said...

I am also trying to navigate this transition from IF blog to PG blog. I feel guilty about the length of time it took us to become pregnant as if our struggle was any less real or painful then others because of the duration. Don't feel guilty. Any of your IF blogger friends would want you to enjoy every second of your well earned pregnancy!

Brittney said...

I am so happy for you! You're an inspiration to me...that's how I feel as a fellow IF gal. I LOVE reading the success stories. Don't ever feel guilty! Enjoy your blessing - you deserve it:)

mekate said...

I just wish that somehow this IF shitola was something we could grow out of and leave behind like a snakeskin but it isn't. You have every right to revel and be wonderfully bountifully beautifully pregnant and let those of us not quite there yet come along for the ride as we can, and as we want. Vicarious living is a powerful thing, you let us know it is possible and that is worth more than I can say, and you probably already know from the journey that brought you here!

so, you made me laugh with the love of swimming and the svelte to sea vessel transformation
and I just like coming by and seeing all is well. It makes me very happy for you, and happy for all of us, since it helps give me hope.

wishing you all the best,
Kate

Jo said...

Please don't feel guilty. Even someone who has been at this as long as I have doesn't wish it on anyone else. Just because YOU had the common sense to get into treatment a LOT faster than I did is no reason to feel bad about being successful sooner!

The one thing I have learned from reading all these blogs is that -- somehow -- sooner or later, we all become parents. It may not be through the means we envision it, but I would say probably 98% of the blogs I follow eventually have a baby or adopt. So, whether it takes two years or ten, the end result is the same. And, really, isn't that the goal we all share? I'd say that's reason to celebrate, not guilt one another.

Thinking of you,
Jo

Ms. Perky said...

even if one DID argue that 30 failed cycles, endless tests, needles, thousands of dollars of drugs and monitoring and a miscarried twin was getting off easy (and I don't think it is) - what's there to feel guilty about? Do you think that women who go through more treatment than you went through think that you needed to go through more treatment in order to have suffered enough to have "earned" your pregnancy and parenthood?

I do know what you mean, though.

Even now, I feel like a bit of a fraud - and a lot of guilt. Like I'm not a "real" infertile - because I have kids, and my trio was conceived after IUI... I didn't even have to pull out the big guns. But it was after 5 years, 60-odd failed cycles, 5 clomid cycles, 6 IUIs, and a late miscarriage - and even so, I didn't feel like I'd "paid my dues" so to speak. And jumping back into the ring, I didn't feel like I had any right to complain because... hello? I had kids already.

But you know? Three IVFs in and no dice? It just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how little or how much treatment someone's been through to get their pregnancy/baby. The fact is this journey is a difficult one and no one wishes extra suffering on their fellow infertiles. It's not the Pain Olympics. It's not about "earning your infertile stripes." There's no guilt here - it's about getting off the island and achieving your dream.

Congratulations on getting off the Island and finding a reason for your blog to transition and evolve.