Twiddling my thumbs

Well, not really. I'm actually really excited about tomorrow's retrieval -- maybe too excited. I've been trying really hard to stay on an even keel this week, and every time I swing too far one way or the other (particularly towards the positive) I start to get worried. It's the whole jinx thing.

Anyway, today has been full of fun work hijinks. My boss is in town from the East Coast (of course -- had to be this week), and we're going to dinner tonight. She knows I'm having some sort of "procedure" tomorrow, but the whole thing is a little awkward. Also awkward has been telling my team that I'll be out -- I think I'm usually a pretty cool boss, but I feel like I'm pulling the whole "personal life is none of your business" card. I'm probably not coming across that way, but you know how when you're going through something you assume that everyone notices every little thing, even though they have their own lives and haven't given it a second thought? That's me today.

And finally, my ta-tas are totally out of control. As much as I'd love to be pregnant in two weeks, I'm a little terrified about what that might mean for my poor, sore, already DD-sized girls. At least they're balanced out by my fleshy bruisy tummy.

Is this what they mean by hourglass figure?

Magical Thinking

I've read a lot of posts in the IF blogosphere about faith, positivity, and magical thinking. They are certainly not totally interchangeable concepts, but there seems to be a common thread in a that all of us facing IF and its aftermath have to deal with a great many things unknown, and process these uncertainties in different ways.

Since today is Friday the 13th, a day usually associated with superstition, the possibility of negative events, and bad horror movies, I've been ruminating a bit about magical thinking. Specifically, I've been thinking about the significance of dates and numbers, and how I've been always been prone to seeing meaning around things happening on a particular day, at a particular time, etc. This tendency of mine has increased since we started trying to make a baby -- it seems like every cycle I've found a reason why this will (or won't) be The One. And every cycle when it doesn't work out, I'm crushed -- not that I wouldn't be anyway, but this just seems to add another layer.

And this cycle is no different -- we started BCP on Valentine's Day, and could find out that we're pregnant on Easter Sunday. How could I not obsess over that? Because wouldn't it be JUST SO PERFECT if we could tell our little bebe that he/she was "conceived" on Valentine's Day (I know, not technically true, but it makes a really good story, dammit!), and then every Easter we can remember how great it was to find out we were pregnant, blah blah blah? Aaargh! I know that every minute I spend thinking about it is another extra hour/day/month I'm going to feel shitty about a negative result.

And yet, I can't help myself. I really WANT to think positively about this cycle, too see connections, to sense significance. I yearn to be a "normal" trying-to-get-pregnant person -- I have no idea what that actually is, but in my convoluted little brain I imagine it being a little like the giddiness of falling in love. But the second I start to feel just a teeny bit hopeful I'm terrified, like an architect who designs a building without a 13th floor, that I'm jinxing myself.

And THEN, I wonder if by posting it all on my blog, I've somehow reversed the jinx.

Maybe the Lu.pron is giving me the crazy even more than I thought.