Thursday, April 15, 2010

Crying over spilled milk

I just returned to my office from the "Wellness Room," where I discovered that one of my pumping bottles had tipped over in the fridge and divulged itself of a couple of ounces of my morning's work. Earlier this week, I was transferring milk from one bottle to another to bring to daycare, and accidentally knocked one of the bottles over, making a sad, giant puddle on the kitchen counter.

I don't know what it is, but I had to fight back tears both times. My supply still sucks, so every ounce counts.

I'm feeding the Chicklette once in the morning when she wakes up, and then pumping 5 or 6 times a day to get an additional 15 or so ounces. She's also taking 2 or 3 bottles of formula a day. I don't know how much longer I can continue, but also don't know if I have the strength to just walk away. It's a permanent decision, so as much as I fantasize about giving up the mid-night pump and using my pump time at work for a trip to the gym....I hesitate.

Sorry for the pity party. I am dead tired this week, fighting a cold, and just generally feeling sorry for myself.

Bleh.

10 comments:

Andrea said...

Awww, I totally know how you feel. I was scheduled for a surgical procedure and was advised not to breast feed for 24 hours afterward, so for 3 months I pumped every morning to stock up. When the time came to use it all up in one day I was so sad, all that hard work! I've spit many a bottle as well, once I set the bottle on the couch just for a second while i set the pump down and my dog walked by and tipped it. I cried and cried because it took me a half an hour to get that 4 ounces!

The Patterson's said...

Ugh! I hate to see BM wasted, too! I was mixing BM and formula and accidentally put too much formula in - ugh - wasted formula and BM! I'm trying to figure out how pumping is going to work when I go back to work. Good luck with your decision!!

Jill and Rich said...

Ugh, I totally know the feeling, and have cried too! The permanency of stopping breast feeding was what had me agonizing as well. It's not something you can take a break from adn come back to in a week. If it helps, (and it probably doesn't :) )I went on the policy that if I still felt like I could maybe keep going, even the slightest bit, then I still would. So I pumped until it got to a point when I just knew I was done and I couldn't go another day. Hopefully, you'll have a certainty when you decide to stop. (That doesn't mean the guilt won't hit you though. Ugh, the guilt. Part of being a mom, I guess!)

Serendipity said...

Oh I know that feeling so well.. I'm sitting here at day 1 of no more pumping and I'm still so sad about it.

Good luck coming to the decision, I had to take at the whole 'it's final' aspect out of the equation before I could make up my mind and stick to it. It's not final, not really, you can relactate, it's just bloody hard work!

Emily said...

Oh, I would bawl my eyes out! I have yet to spill a significant amount, but when I do, the tears shall flow.
Sending you big hugs! You have done an amazing job! Do what is best for you in the long run - just don't quit on a bad day.

lifebytheday said...

I have nothing to contribute to this conversation but well wishes...and thanks...for writing a blog that an IFer (still in the throes of IFdom) can actually read and enjoy. I just started Lupron for IVF #3.5 (#3 was cancelled and I refuse to mentally move on to #4), and I'm slowly returning to the world of IF. I just recently stumbled across your blog and I love your mix of humor, humility, and REALITY. So thanks :-)
Jeannine

ana said...

I've done it, and cried over it, and that was when I had an oversupply. Now that I'm barely eking out enough for half of his feedings, I would really lose it & I am extra EXTRA careful. I freaked yesterday about a spilled OUNCE---its a lot when sometimes 30 minutes pumping only yields 3-4 ounces.
I am at that crossroads of deciding whether to continue myself. My DH keeps telling me to just stop, because in many ways it is making me miserable & actually in physical pain. I just can't bring myself to do it. Thanks for bringing up these issues...I wish I had read some of these types of experiences before I had the baby so I wouldn't be expecting BFing to be all sunshine & lollipops & feeling like a failure when it wasn't.

-K said...

I got over it. I couldn't make enough milk so when it seemed like it was causing me more grief than joy I stopped breast feeding altogether. At the height of my production I was only able to make 10oz in a 24 hour period. My babe grew supper fast and was supper healthy on formula. And in the long run, nobody really cares.

Ben & Anne said...

Totally know how you feel. I wish i could just press a button sometimes and stop. I am Breastfeeding my 5 month old for about 10 mins a feed as he loses interest after that due to low supply, he then gets 4oz of formula straight after. It seems really silly but I keep thinking that the three or so oz he gets from me is better than nothing. Plus mine are totally lopsided now due to him favouring the left side. I feel freakish! Can't wait to stop. But can't bear to either.

Katie045 said...

I stumbled across your blog today. I don't know if it will help or if I'm too late, but there are a few things you can do to help your supply. If you enjoy beer, you can drink a dark one and it will help. Or, if you are like me and hate beer, there are really cool pills that can help. Usually found in whole foods stores (I got mine at Sprouts) they are Mother's Milk pills. Hope this helps.