Still growing....

Both the beta number and my chest.

First, the beta. It was 375 yesterday. So we're doubling nicely, and in range for a singleton. It's so odd, the numbers this time (182/375) are almost identical to the numbers last time (188/389). Of course, last time was a twin pregnancy that became a singleton....so I guess this means these numbers are stronger if there's only 1 in there? I don't know. I'm just glad they're doing what they're supposed to do.

Secondly, my girls. They already look like they are ready to breastfeed. If this is a harbinger of my body remembering this pregnancy stuff earlier the second time around, I should be sporting maternity clothes in about a week. Not that I'm complaining....but.....it's going to be harder to stay under wraps for long.

Anyway, looking forward to a weekend of naps and 8:30 bedtimes. And I couldn't be more excited about that!

182

That's the beta number. I am in absolute shock. Happy shock, but shock.

Getting the news from our doctor was a hilarious comedy of cell phone errors. The Mr. and I are both working from home today, and my cell phone reception is not so great in my house. So the doctor called about 90 minutes ahead of schedule, I picked up and put him on speaker, and just as he said "Well, I've got some...." the phone went dead. So then I called back from the landline, and got put on a call queue at the clinic. The whole thing probably only lasted 45 seconds, but it felt like AN ETERNITY.

So, anyway, great news. Next blood draw on Friday. Hopefully by then it will have started to sink in a bit....

5dp5dt: A sweaty sort-of mess

So, I have to say I've been doing fairly well so far with the waiting. I had a business trip to Chicago for a couple of days, which was a nice distraction. (Although the two business dinners were VERY PAINFUL without the aid of cocktails.) Today I'm home, and it's really the first time I've started to have the serious "am I or aren't I?" thoughts...as per last time, I'm pretty convinced that I'm not, so I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for the aftermath of Wednesday's blood test. 

Physically, I'm definitely feeling it -- night sweats, abdominal twinges, fatigue, headaches, back aches, sore boobs, the dreaded constipation -- but I know enough now to know that these symptoms mean NOTHING. The progesterone is evil and there's no getting around it. Also, I imagine that my body is going through some caffeine withdrawals -- I was pretty good about cutting back, but I was still having a grande dark roast every morning and a couple of diet Cokes in the afternoon until the day before the transfer. Also, I've been on a fairly strict low-carb diet until 5 days ago, and while the bread/deep dish pizza I've been shoveling into my face in the meantime has certainly been tasty, I'm not sure that my body totally remembers what to do with it yet.

So, anyway, nothing really to report. I'm hopeful but not optimistic. I can't wait for Wednesday but I don't want it to come. Pregnant but not really. A sort-of mess.

Cooking away over here...

All went well today. The thaw went as planned, and the transfer went smoothly. It was really strange being back in the same room we were in a little more than 3 years ago, but once I knew our little guy made it out of deep freeze I was able to relax and really focus on the experience.

I don't know if it's the Valium or what, but I find the whole transfer process to be extremely emotional (in a good way). It's not like there are many silver linings to the infertility experience, but one of them definitely is that you get to watch the exact moment when a little life enters your body. Holding my husband's hand (or gripping, because let's face it, it's still not fun having a speculum, bright light, and three people between your stirruped legs), I was able to really focus my intentions and love my hopefully future child. It was pretty effing cool.

So, we wait. Beta is in 9 days -- August 8th. Hopefully it will go by quickly and uneventfully. Burrow in, little guy.

FET is tomorrow?!?

I'm going in tomorrow for my embryo transfer. I have no idea how this snuck up on me, but with general work and toddler craziness, it did. We're transferring our one and only Day 5 blast at around lunchtime.

I've heard people say how different cycling can be the second time around, and that's certainly been true for me. It's not that I don't want it to succeed just as badly, but I am so effing distracted by the rest of my life that the various preparations (shots, pills, scans, blood draws) are almost an afterthought. Which I think has actually been a good thing in many ways.

To be sure, a FET is a lot simpler than a fresh IVF cycle. No stims, limited monitoring, no retrieval, etc. So I'm sure that's part of it. But I think the bigger part is that the mystery is gone -- I'm not scared of the unknown, other than of course whether or not I'll get pregnant and whether that pregnancy will stick. Even the PIO shots are no big deal -- I've been giving them to myself, which I couldn't even imagine last time around. Is it horrible that I'm just trying to deal with the bigger stuff as it comes? Intellectually I know that not stressing out is not going to negatively affect the outcome (and it may even help), but it still feels weird.

Anyway, if anyone out there is still reading this sorry excuse for a blog, would you mind shooting a couple of good thoughts our way? First, that our little blastie survives the thaw, and then maybe that he/she burrows in there nice and good? 

Thanks -- I'm sure I'll be updating from my horizontal position tomorrow and Tuesday.

Diary of a wimpy Barefoot

So, I have been practically beside myself all week, waiting for my scheduled sonohystogram (a/k/a saline sonogram) this morning. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, this is a procedure sort of like an embryo transfer -- they insert a catheter into your uterus, shoot some water up there, and then look around. In the words of my RE: "Sometimes, after pregnancy and childbirth, things aren't where they were the first time. So we like to take a look."

Sounds a little ominous, but OK!

So, I made the appointment last week and had been in a state of mild panic ever since. Because having a panoply of invasive infertility-related procedures, being pregnant, and giving birth have apparently done nothing to change the fact that I am a giant wimp. I'd even been debating about whether to take one of my leftover embryo transfer Valiums before the procedure-- I finally decided against, as I had some work to get done this afternoon -- but it was close. And I spent an INORDINATE amount of time thinking about it.

(I also spent some time -- BAD IDEA -- Googling the procedure, and read some absolutely horrific accounts. Why did I do this? Have I learned NOTHING?!?)

Anyway, so here's the funny thing. It turns out that I've had this EXACT SAME PROCEDURE before and didn't even remember. The nurse practitioner even showed me the notes in my chart (and the pictures), so I really must have been there! Must have been really traumatic, right?

(This is not to say that it's not traumatic/painful/etc. for some people. But clearly, based on my own past experience, I've been a bit of a drama queen.)

The procedure was no big deal. I mean, I'm never a fan of the speculum, but there was no pain, minimal discomfort, and the NP was very cool (and gentle). I'd also forgotten how neat it is to see all of your bits on the ultrasound. I mean, not quite as interesting as looking at a baby in there, but nice to see that I still have a uterus and 2 ovaries and both seem to still be in the right place.

So, all's well that ends well. Next steps: get my thyroid levels checked again in early June, and then hopefully get the party started with my next cycle. And try to avoid Google in the meantime....

Back in the stirrups again

Well, not really. I have not yet been reacquainted with my old friend, the condom-sheathed transvaginal ultrasound wand. But it's coming.

We had a consult last week with our beloved RE (and I really mean this....I almost squealed when I saw him) to talk about our one lonely frozen embryo and what to do with it. I went into the meeting with very low expectations -- we only have one embryo (well, actually a blastocyst), so I guess I figured we'd give it a go as a sort of inevitable warm-up to a fresh IVF cycle.

As it turns out, this thing could actually work. Apparently my clinic has a 95% thaw survival rate for blasts, and something like a 32% success rate with single-embryo FETs.  It was really the first stat that floored me -- I'd mentally prepared myself to get ready to take a bunch of drugs, and then have the cycle cancelled because our little frozen nugget didn't make it. Which of course could still happen, but it doesn't seem quite so much like certain doom.

The other "exciting" part is how much less physically grueling this cycle will be. No lupron, no stims, no every-other-day ultrasounds of my pendulous ovaries. So, that's a plus.

So, timing. Right after my next cycle starts (probably sometime next week), I'll have the dreaded saline sonogram (apparently not as bad as the HSG, but I'm not anticipating butterfly kisses here). Then, more bloodwork (I've already had some, with not-so-great results, which I'll get to in a later post). Then, on day 2 of the cycle after that (mid-June), I'll start estrogen. Then lining checks for a while, and then the thaw and (hopefully) transfer mid-way through that cycle.

I'm not even going to let myself think about the two week wait. I'd love to get there, of course, but I'm also not excited about being there. If that makes any sense.

One of the last things my RE noted when I "graduated" from his care after last cycle -- and one of the first things he said during our meeting this time around -- was how impressed he was by our positive attitude during treatment. He thinks it makes a difference. I'm not sure that I fully agree, but I am trying to hold on to that thought -- there is no reason for me to expect this NOT to work until it doesn't. And I owe my little frostie all of the good feelings I can muster.

So, muster I will.