Scary night

Thanks for all of the kind words and encouragement yesterday. They meant so much.

Last night was not a fun one. At about 8:30, I started bleeding. Not brown spotting -- the bright red stuff. We'd been warned at our u/s that this could happen, but still -- it was scary and waaay too period-like for my liking. I called the RE on call, and he (someone I'd never spoken to before, who I have to say I don't much like) basically said that there's nothing they can do, it's probably normal, sometimes having an ultrasound shakes things up, keep my feet up and call in the morning. It sounded like I was interrupting him during a three-martini dinner. Sorry, bud -- not like it's my idea of fun to call you crying at 8:30 at night!

Anyway. The bleeding tapered off after about an hour. I slept for a bit, then woke up to some more bleeding at 1:30. That also tapered off after an hour or so, and now things have pretty much stopped, with the exception of a bit of brown spotting now and again.

I talked to the doctor again this morning (a different one, thank Gawd), and she was very encouraging. She thinks that B's sac collapsed, and probably took a blood vessel with it. She wants me to hang out with my feet up, and call back if the red bleeding starts again. She's hesitant to do another u/s, because she doesn't want to further irritate the uterus, but assured me that all of this sounds completely normal "given my situation." (BTW, I love all of the euphemisms -- it's like everyone's so afraid of the M word. I mean, it's pretty clear what's going on here, you know?)

I'm hanging there -- just trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude -- but it's hard. I so want a peek inside to check on A, but I'm also scared shitless (pardon my French) about what I might see. My mom will be here in a bit -- we're going to hang today and watch American Idol later -- so hopefully that will take my mind off things for a bit.

Because sometimes you just need your mommy.

And then there was one

Our ultrasound confirmed this morning that we've lost Baby B. The news wasn't entirely surprising -- the little guy had been measuring a few days behind from the get-go -- but we allowed ourselves to get a little hopeful when we heard both heartbeats last week.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm sad, as I loved the little guy already. And I haven't cried yet, which is weird for me -- I've been a veritable waterworks for the past few weeks. But I was worried that he (by the way, I obviously have no basis that he was a "he," just my gut feeling) wouldn't be healthy. And I was a little worried about how we were going to pull off the twin thing with two working parents. But I totally would have gotten over that.

So, now we wait. I may bleed, I may not. I may cramp, I may not. The doctor said that usually at this early stage, the "demised twin" (isn't that the most hateful phrase?) usually just reabsorbs.

The good news is that Baby A (I really need to think of a better name) is measuring perfectly at 8w4d, has a strong heartbeat (164 BPM), and discernable arms and legs! He (again with the "he," I can't explain it) even waved at us, as if to say "Look at me, Ma! I'm still here!!"

We're totally smitten.