Thursday, March 25, 2010

Oh, the guilt

This has been a tough week.

I return to work on Monday, and we've been doing trial runs at our day care center all week. I love our day care center. I thought that dropping the Chicklette off there would be easy. It turns out that the way you feel about day care when you're 8 weeks away from going back to work is a little different than the way you feel when you're 7 days away from going back to work.

Here's how it went down:

Monday -- Bring the Chicklette to the center, and sit with her for an hour. Surreptitiously inspect the the other infants, and try to hold back tears the whole time. Finally break down on my way out. Call husband. Cry more. Call mom. Cry to mom. Mom says, "welcome to motherhood." Spend rest of day questioning my worthiness as a mother. What kind of mother leaves her kid with other people ALL DAY LONG?!?

Tuesday -- Bring Chicklette to center, stay 15 minutes. Leave her for 45 minutes. She is smiling when I leave. She is still smiling when I return. Hey, this isn't so bad!

Wednesday -- Husband brings Chicklette to center. Leaves her there for an hour. Sits in Safeway parking lot close to tears the whole time.

Today was better, and I'm guessing tomorrow will be fine as well. Monday? I'm sure I'll be a mess again.

I thought that the fact that my going back to work was not a decision for us -- financially, there's no other option right now -- would make things easier. I wouldn't have to agonize over the choice, right? I treated my maternity leave as a break in the normal routine.

Turns out that there are plenty of other things to agonize over. I'm starting to realize that I can now ALWAYS find something to worry about. I think that worry is the new normal.

As my mom would say, welcome to motherhood.


My Endo Journey said...

Worry like that is what makes a good mommy. :) I know going back will be difficult. I can't belive its already been that long! I hope it goes okay and everyday is a little better!

Kate said...

Oh barefoot,
I know I will be in your flipflops when I get down the road a bit.
I too must work
and I too feel as if this is a sucky thing to need to do-- I cannot imagine how you are feeling.
I am so impressed with your trial runs, and will file that away for the future for me too- a great idea I am not sure I would have thought of it.

sorry for the hard parts, and so very happy for the happy.

hugs to you,

Donna said...

Stay strong... it's the hardest thing in the world to walk out the door in the morning... Make the most of your last couple days. HUGS!

Flower said...

That is the one thing that I am afraid of...I know I will be crying like a baby...hang in there...they say it gets easier.

ana said...

I am lucky that I can make the transition a little easier because we'll have grandmother help for the first 2 months back at work (no daycare spot) until this at least I don't have to worry about little monkey getting enough attention and love. its still hard.
i've heard it'll get easier.

Anonymous said...

Yep - that's what my mother is also fond of saying! Strangely enough it doesn't help... Hope next week is easier on you than you expect.