Hangin' in at 15 weeks

Still here. Still pregnant (at least I think so). Exhausted after a weekend of a toddler with gastrointestinal distress -- I now literally know what it means to be elbow deep in poop.

Somehow, I've rounded the corner into the second trimester. I'm sporting a little pooch, and am in that delightful not-quite-ready-for-maternity-clothes-but-obviously-larger stage, which is garnering some odd looks at work (where I'm not "out" to the wider world quite yet). The morning/afternoon sickness is more or less gone, as is the fatigue, which is nice.

Not so nice: the positive results from the first-trimester screening, which means I'm headed for an amnio next week. (In this context, "positive results" are not necessary positive.) I'm not worried about the actual test -- oddly enough, big needles don't really scare me much anymore -- but I am of course worried about the results.  It's a small chance (1 in 72) that something is wrong....but somehow that's not super-comforting at the moment.

The bright side: Getting to find out just a wee bit earlier than planned what flavor the baby is....which I guess means we won't have any more excuses for delaying the talk with the Chicklette about Becoming a Big Sister. Can't wait to see how that one goes!

Deja vu

I don't know what it is, but my uterus is such a drama queen. Last time around, I had a bleeding episode at around 8 weeks that foreshadowed the loss of a twin. Last night (at 8 weeks, 1 day), I woke up for my usual 2 a.m. pee to find a pantiliner soaked with red blood. Which, of course, incited total panic.

Our RE was able to see us at 9:30 this morning, and thank God everything looks great. The nugget is measuring a little big, with a heartbeat chugging along at 167 BPM.  The doctor said that the bleeding is very common -- he sees it in 50% (!) of IVF pregnancies, and it's almost always benign -- and that I shouldn't worry as long as it tapers off.  Easy for him to say, but comforting (I guess) nonetheless. There was no sign of any clots or other scary things in there, which is apparently also good.

So, we have a another scan on Tuesday, and then I'll graduate to the regular OB. (Of which I need to find another, since mine retired.) This is all going by really fast....and really slow....at the same time. Yikes!

Still growing....

Both the beta number and my chest.

First, the beta. It was 375 yesterday. So we're doubling nicely, and in range for a singleton. It's so odd, the numbers this time (182/375) are almost identical to the numbers last time (188/389). Of course, last time was a twin pregnancy that became a singleton....so I guess this means these numbers are stronger if there's only 1 in there? I don't know. I'm just glad they're doing what they're supposed to do.

Secondly, my girls. They already look like they are ready to breastfeed. If this is a harbinger of my body remembering this pregnancy stuff earlier the second time around, I should be sporting maternity clothes in about a week. Not that I'm complaining....but.....it's going to be harder to stay under wraps for long.

Anyway, looking forward to a weekend of naps and 8:30 bedtimes. And I couldn't be more excited about that!

182

That's the beta number. I am in absolute shock. Happy shock, but shock.

Getting the news from our doctor was a hilarious comedy of cell phone errors. The Mr. and I are both working from home today, and my cell phone reception is not so great in my house. So the doctor called about 90 minutes ahead of schedule, I picked up and put him on speaker, and just as he said "Well, I've got some...." the phone went dead. So then I called back from the landline, and got put on a call queue at the clinic. The whole thing probably only lasted 45 seconds, but it felt like AN ETERNITY.

So, anyway, great news. Next blood draw on Friday. Hopefully by then it will have started to sink in a bit....

5dp5dt: A sweaty sort-of mess

So, I have to say I've been doing fairly well so far with the waiting. I had a business trip to Chicago for a couple of days, which was a nice distraction. (Although the two business dinners were VERY PAINFUL without the aid of cocktails.) Today I'm home, and it's really the first time I've started to have the serious "am I or aren't I?" thoughts...as per last time, I'm pretty convinced that I'm not, so I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for the aftermath of Wednesday's blood test. 

Physically, I'm definitely feeling it -- night sweats, abdominal twinges, fatigue, headaches, back aches, sore boobs, the dreaded constipation -- but I know enough now to know that these symptoms mean NOTHING. The progesterone is evil and there's no getting around it. Also, I imagine that my body is going through some caffeine withdrawals -- I was pretty good about cutting back, but I was still having a grande dark roast every morning and a couple of diet Cokes in the afternoon until the day before the transfer. Also, I've been on a fairly strict low-carb diet until 5 days ago, and while the bread/deep dish pizza I've been shoveling into my face in the meantime has certainly been tasty, I'm not sure that my body totally remembers what to do with it yet.

So, anyway, nothing really to report. I'm hopeful but not optimistic. I can't wait for Wednesday but I don't want it to come. Pregnant but not really. A sort-of mess.

Cooking away over here...

All went well today. The thaw went as planned, and the transfer went smoothly. It was really strange being back in the same room we were in a little more than 3 years ago, but once I knew our little guy made it out of deep freeze I was able to relax and really focus on the experience.

I don't know if it's the Valium or what, but I find the whole transfer process to be extremely emotional (in a good way). It's not like there are many silver linings to the infertility experience, but one of them definitely is that you get to watch the exact moment when a little life enters your body. Holding my husband's hand (or gripping, because let's face it, it's still not fun having a speculum, bright light, and three people between your stirruped legs), I was able to really focus my intentions and love my hopefully future child. It was pretty effing cool.

So, we wait. Beta is in 9 days -- August 8th. Hopefully it will go by quickly and uneventfully. Burrow in, little guy.

FET is tomorrow?!?

I'm going in tomorrow for my embryo transfer. I have no idea how this snuck up on me, but with general work and toddler craziness, it did. We're transferring our one and only Day 5 blast at around lunchtime.

I've heard people say how different cycling can be the second time around, and that's certainly been true for me. It's not that I don't want it to succeed just as badly, but I am so effing distracted by the rest of my life that the various preparations (shots, pills, scans, blood draws) are almost an afterthought. Which I think has actually been a good thing in many ways.

To be sure, a FET is a lot simpler than a fresh IVF cycle. No stims, limited monitoring, no retrieval, etc. So I'm sure that's part of it. But I think the bigger part is that the mystery is gone -- I'm not scared of the unknown, other than of course whether or not I'll get pregnant and whether that pregnancy will stick. Even the PIO shots are no big deal -- I've been giving them to myself, which I couldn't even imagine last time around. Is it horrible that I'm just trying to deal with the bigger stuff as it comes? Intellectually I know that not stressing out is not going to negatively affect the outcome (and it may even help), but it still feels weird.

Anyway, if anyone out there is still reading this sorry excuse for a blog, would you mind shooting a couple of good thoughts our way? First, that our little blastie survives the thaw, and then maybe that he/she burrows in there nice and good? 

Thanks -- I'm sure I'll be updating from my horizontal position tomorrow and Tuesday.